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CREATING HOPE THROUGH COMPLICATED GRIEF
Thomas Ellis, M.A., L.M.F.T.
Executive Director
“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each person’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”
— H. W. Longfellow
The 35W bridge tragedy has brought grief and trauma to our community. The ripple effects from this disaster will continue to impact those whose loved ones were killed, witnesses and the heroes involved in helping others, and all who continue to have thoughts and feelings around this complicated loss.
Grief and trauma reactions will be evident and challenging for many. Information and education around traumatic events will be most helpful during this time of healing. The process of grieving is a naturally occurring experience for us all. How we acknowledge this phenomenon is dependent upon our life experience, what we learned from generations before us and the circumstances surrounding the loss.
Grieving can become more complicated when the pain of loss is extreme and becomes too large to embrace. We can be dealt more than we can handle. Grief can quickly become depression, a distortion of reality or a battle toward avoidance. This twist in the process can become a reality for various reasons. A traumatic death from homicide, suicide or an accident has the potential of creating a shift in our reality and sense of safety in our world. Unexpected loss can jolt us out of our very sense of who we are. The death of a child takes away our future as we had envisioned it. Multiple losses may be the first glimpse at a realization that there is just too much to handle. Our cup is overflowing with overwhelming pain and fear. Common ways of coping begin to be shaded by intense feelings of revenge or blame. Sadness turns to depression or detachment from others around us.
Complicated loss has the ability to complicate our grief. We can become stuck in embracing this terrible reality. The myriad of losses, which result from the death, can be staggering. Attempting to adjust and re-evaluate what remains in our life can be devastating and too painful to approach. The grief may interfere with our ability to function and the guilt and anger becomes overwhelming. Withdrawing from others, frequent thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else and addictive behaviors may become part of your new identity. Differentiation between fantasy and reality may become a new challenge. A lack of energy and the will to live becomes more familiar.
What is needed is a place of safety and a sense of support. Healing requires an honest understanding of reactions and validation of this new reality. We need permission to tell our story without being judged or ridiculed. We need the reassurance that our words cannot harm or create more pain for those around us. Having access to someone who will listen to our difficult story and not put a time frame on the experience is essential. The most helpful piece throughout any grief process is to allow ourselves to talk about the experience and to create an environment in which the story can continue to be retold. It requires someone who is able to sit in our pain and anguish, and someone who can provide a sense of hope through this life tragedy. It must be known that we cannot journey through this process in isolation. We need individuals who truly understand our experience and often times a professional with a competency in grief and trauma therapy.
We must remember that suffering alone does not change us. What is needed to allow healing and hope to begin is understanding, patience, and the permission to mourn and reach a point of vulnerability. It is most helpful to realize that we are not alone or going crazy. But most important is allowing ourselves to share our story with someone who is a compassionate listener and can help hold this terrible story.
The Center for Grief extends our deepest condolence to all experiencing the effects of this tragedy.
Ellis is the author of This Thing Called Grief: New Understandings of Loss, 2006. For writing samples from this book, please visit Tomellisbooks.com.
Copyright © 2007
The Center is staffed by experienced pros with specialized education and training in the most current methods.
(meet the team)
Tom Ellis, MA
Licensed Marriage and
Family Therapist,
Executive Director, and Clinical Supervisor
Tom is a marriage and family therapist at the Center with a special focus on trauma. He is also a clinical supervisor, consultant, writer, trainer and critical incident de-briefer. (more)
Sarah Logan, MA
Program Director
Grief Therapist
Sarah provides therapy to individuals, families, groups and children. She has worked in school settings and with young mothers, teenagers and children. (more)
Katie Heckman, MS
Licensed Marriage
and Family Therapist
Katie worked with individuals in a college setting for ten years before becoming licensed in Marriage and Family Therapy. She also taught developmental education, career development and study skills courses to young adults at the college level. (more)